So here I am in Honolulu airport, drunk as a skunk explaining to everyone why I am pounding on my keyboard furiously. It is because my computer would not start, but heard me talking shit about it and did the job… hence why I am typing. Oh, and I will get to why I am drunk as a squirrel, or skunk or whatever I said in a few, chill.
There I was in Sydney Australia, my new favorite place in the world, at Bondai beach swimming in the wrong side of the pacific on a gorgeous day with gorgeous blonds, hey I am partial, everywhere thinking… “life doest get much better” Some rain comes in for a brief bit and it is war to find a taxi in this ‘Bondi beach’, only one quotation cause it pissed me off when taxi time came and all the friendly Australians became sorta unfriendly. Finally I found a cab around half past 2 in the arvo (that is 2:30 afternoon, US talk), but shared it with some blokes I convinced that we were going in the same direction so we should share a cab.
I arrive in Honolulu at about 7 AM (Honolulu time) and have not slept on the theory that if I stay awake long enough and sleep when I let myself sleep I will get right back on schedule… the verdict is still out on that. Now it is St. Patrick’s Day for my second go around by the way, this will prove important later, but I just though about it. So I get in my head the only thing I want to accomplish, besides getting my freak sister and adorably nuts grandmother a keychain, is this… it deserves a new paragraph it is that important.
I want to bend space and time thusly tearing the fabric of time proving to myself and all scientists that time travel is impossible. Head trip, eh? Well this is how I do. I swam in the Pacific Ocean in Sydney, Australia at 12:00 PM Saturday the 17th… then had some beers for St. Patrick’s day. I then flew to Hawaii, and swam in the Pacific Ocean at 12:00 PM Saturday the 17th…. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD!!!! New paragraph… its worth it.
There I was in a taxi in Honolulu trying to tell this immigrant that I want to go to a beach where I can swim the f’ing ocean, and he brings me to some shady middle of nowhere place walking with my over packed backpack, hardhat with the bold blocked letters SIEMENS on the side… just underneath the reflective tape used commonly in the mining industry. I have to get on the plane… brb
Ok, back, um yeah, ok, so I walk and walk trying to find the place recommended to me by the gay flight attendant (go figure) and misinterpreted by the foreign taxi driver. It is 10 something AM, and for my experiment to work, I need to be in the water at noon. In my travels I came across a true Hawaiian with a cell phone and a broke down car. I says to him “Hey can you tell me how tot get to Sandy Island Park?” He responds “Brother, you are not even close” He loans me his cell phone for a taxi call which goes for about three rounds of them calling his phone (for me, very funny by the way) and me calling back… you would think I was in the middle of inner Mongolia trying to get a cab. Wait, that’s easier. So as I am on the third, and final, call with the cab company I hear the Hawaiians, which have increased to 4 people now, talking in some foreign language where I have learned to interpret the body language and realize that they were going to give me a ride. The big fella and his big wife were the receivers of this duty and he is eyeing me up and down trying to figure me out. I always get weary when this happens as I know there is only two results. One, he is trying to figure out if I am a treat, or two he is trying to figure out what I have and if he can take me. Well I get off the phone and say go with it, after refusing the offer many times.
Sure enough I get a ride to the beach I want to go to and even offered him money to which he refused! Well I am loving Hawaii now for sure. I jump in the drink at the same time, same ocean, on the other side of the world proving it is indeed possible and that time is only a conception in ones mind and can be manipulated if done in such a way.
So I find a cab after some trials and tribulations and get to the airport where I have already checked my luggage and I am soaked and stinky from salt water and walking. I change into my new Hawaiian shirt from some brewery that I bought at the airport and commence with the second St. Patrick’s Day alcoholic consumption to finish off the pact.
At the airport bar I meet a Vietnamese guy from L.A., flying to teach English in Japan for a year while he waits to start his law degree at that time. Of course he is half in the bag and I am the man to get him fully there… not in a gay way but in an, I can hang with the weirdest of them and have a good time kind of way. So after a few shots and a few beers, I am tired, sitting on a plane, haven’t slept for at least 24 hours, proved the impossible (time travel), learned that my birthday is on the same day that tons of Irish drink a lot due to some book called Ulysses and do some walk and I am going to Ireland for my 30th birthday, who wants to come, and I can’t wait to get to GA and see my dogs (both human and dog form), and… and… and so I am going to bed… goodnight. I hope you like my story.
p.s. – I only slept for an hour as the large lady next to me made me uncomfortable… for 9 hours. I got the airport and my car was missing from the long term lot and after waiting in the cold for 30 minutes for a courtesy van at 6:30 am after hardly any sleep, I decided to walk and find the office who should know where my car is. Sure enough I get absolutely no help (welcome the Atlanta) and call the police to see if they have my car, which they don’t know, so I call the tow company, which they don’t know, so I call the impound lot, which they don’t know unless I get my VIN number… LOCATED IN THE CAR!!! Well I call my roommate who gets the number off my title and sure enough my car was towed from long term parking. There is a silver lining here. I get a cab, and sweet talk him into driving me around Atlanta to get all my paperwork straightened out (60 dollars later) and line him up to get me rides to and from the airport… good news. Get my car out of impound and pay 160 bucks… good news. And why good news, cause I would have paid about $1000 to get my car out of the parking lot and now only paid $220! Sweet.
