the perfect storm
just to warn you, this is a story about poop. if you are weak hearted or don't like such topics, i suggest you turn around now and go to the my little pony website and learn all about the grundles who were little troll friends of the ponies. a grundle, by the way, is also a part of the human body in slang. pretty funny if you ask me...
"if you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of?"~ unknown
on to the good stuff.
have you ever been in a situation where you had to use the facilities and found you were no where near a useable waste dispensing unit? Have you ever drank one night, and the next morning you have the worse case of the shits where you cannot wait to find that "prime real estate" to do your business so you make do with what you have? yeah...? well this happened to me.
one beautiful saturday morning, i wake up after a night of drinking miller light and possibly some high life, to my neighbors getting ready to go out. they ask me to join them as they are going out on the lake on their boat. hell yeah i am going to go, i am feeling good (at the time) and i love going out on the lake. we get on the lake and drive all the way out to the "party cove" where all the boats hang out together to drink and pretty much... party... go figure. Well there is about 20 boats out there in sporadic locations possibly about 20-50 feet from each other. We find a good spot and for now we are on our own. Still feeling fine. About 5 people on the boat, not too crowded, life is great. eventually a couple of other boats come to join up with us, i know a couple of the people, but there is defiantly a bunch of people i don't know so well now.
then it all happens. i start the initial feelings of having to shit, quickly followed by the signs of a shit like no other. i almost double over in pain. the fact that no bathroom was close, the poop was of the day after drinking type, there are people i don't know everywhere, and i am in the middle of a lake, all add up to what i like to call "the perfect storm". i know what usually follows this situation, one of those craps that comes out so hard you look at the back of the tank on top of the toilet and say "damn! how did i get it all the way up there?!"
now, frantically i look for a solution. this is not so easy as i am now doubling over in pain. i can't tell anyone because it is pretty embarrassing, so i am stuck in a real bad situation. I finally figure the only way out of this is the water, where i can swim away and "git er done". i ask if anyone has a life vest, and all i get is responses of "take a shot of Jäger!!". just makes me more sick. i take a shot to quiet the masses, and finally, out of the three boats find a life vest. i throw it in the water and jump in right after it. ok, here we go, things are looking up. i start to swim away as one person decides to remind me that i am not a big fan of lake water. something to do with fish biting me, or just being in something where i can't see my feet. perfect though, i just tell him that i am trying to face my fears, as i swim away quickly to do my business.
finally, after jockeying for position for about a minute (felt like 10 minutes) i get to a place where if i drop my draws no one will know what i am doing. so i do, and not a second later it flows. like a faucet. for about 2 minutes nonstop. as this goes on, i fear that it will float to the top of the water and i am in some real deep shit then (pun?). so with one arm on the life vest, my swim trunks around my ankles, my other arm pushing down in the water to subside the poop, i am swimming around in circles like a duck with a broken wing. or a goose. possibly a swan. whatever.
i finish up, pull up my pants, look around to see if anyone is on to me, and make my way back to the boat. i think i am in the clear, i am feeling like a million bucks, big smile on my face. i smell my hand in case it was contaminated, i look behind me to see if any poop floaties are following me. it's all good, i hop back in the boat and partying ensues. no one ever to know the difference. until now of course.
poop story
"if you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of?"~ unknown
on to the good stuff.
have you ever been in a situation where you had to use the facilities and found you were no where near a useable waste dispensing unit? Have you ever drank one night, and the next morning you have the worse case of the shits where you cannot wait to find that "prime real estate" to do your business so you make do with what you have? yeah...? well this happened to me.
one beautiful saturday morning, i wake up after a night of drinking miller light and possibly some high life, to my neighbors getting ready to go out. they ask me to join them as they are going out on the lake on their boat. hell yeah i am going to go, i am feeling good (at the time) and i love going out on the lake. we get on the lake and drive all the way out to the "party cove" where all the boats hang out together to drink and pretty much... party... go figure. Well there is about 20 boats out there in sporadic locations possibly about 20-50 feet from each other. We find a good spot and for now we are on our own. Still feeling fine. About 5 people on the boat, not too crowded, life is great. eventually a couple of other boats come to join up with us, i know a couple of the people, but there is defiantly a bunch of people i don't know so well now.
then it all happens. i start the initial feelings of having to shit, quickly followed by the signs of a shit like no other. i almost double over in pain. the fact that no bathroom was close, the poop was of the day after drinking type, there are people i don't know everywhere, and i am in the middle of a lake, all add up to what i like to call "the perfect storm". i know what usually follows this situation, one of those craps that comes out so hard you look at the back of the tank on top of the toilet and say "damn! how did i get it all the way up there?!"
now, frantically i look for a solution. this is not so easy as i am now doubling over in pain. i can't tell anyone because it is pretty embarrassing, so i am stuck in a real bad situation. I finally figure the only way out of this is the water, where i can swim away and "git er done". i ask if anyone has a life vest, and all i get is responses of "take a shot of Jäger!!". just makes me more sick. i take a shot to quiet the masses, and finally, out of the three boats find a life vest. i throw it in the water and jump in right after it. ok, here we go, things are looking up. i start to swim away as one person decides to remind me that i am not a big fan of lake water. something to do with fish biting me, or just being in something where i can't see my feet. perfect though, i just tell him that i am trying to face my fears, as i swim away quickly to do my business.
finally, after jockeying for position for about a minute (felt like 10 minutes) i get to a place where if i drop my draws no one will know what i am doing. so i do, and not a second later it flows. like a faucet. for about 2 minutes nonstop. as this goes on, i fear that it will float to the top of the water and i am in some real deep shit then (pun?). so with one arm on the life vest, my swim trunks around my ankles, my other arm pushing down in the water to subside the poop, i am swimming around in circles like a duck with a broken wing. or a goose. possibly a swan. whatever.
i finish up, pull up my pants, look around to see if anyone is on to me, and make my way back to the boat. i think i am in the clear, i am feeling like a million bucks, big smile on my face. i smell my hand in case it was contaminated, i look behind me to see if any poop floaties are following me. it's all good, i hop back in the boat and partying ensues. no one ever to know the difference. until now of course.
poop story
posted by josh at 12:11 PM
1 comments
